i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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