While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
