look no pants
I am in a vortex of obligation.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
