are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
