I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
