Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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