I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
