my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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