i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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