Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I AM VODKA MAN
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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