Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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