you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
