For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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