I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
