1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
