you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
