i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize