I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just want to make out with him forever
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
