There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
