cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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