His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Can you bring me the toilet please
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize