i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
