matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
