You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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