and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
