our cab driver is having phone sex.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
