I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
