I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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