Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
