I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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