So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
