How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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