You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
