Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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