The maid of honor just puked.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
