I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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