Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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