Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
