So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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