I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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