normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Randomize
