Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
be right there i have to get my cape
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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