somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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