I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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