Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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