Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
