just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
