and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
