this just has baby written all over it
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
