It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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