1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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