Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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