how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
