I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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