The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
