Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
