he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize