I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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