Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize