defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
