we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
